Anything Goes Rambling

“The Onion Tells You Where it Wants to be Cut”

May 14, 2014

Cooking is one of those skills I think everyone should have, like swimming or having a good enough memory to be able to recycle your best jokes to each of the groups you’re a part of without making anyone hear it twice. I’m one of those people who finds cooking extremely therapeutic, but I’m also pretty bad at it. Like most people, I do have a signature dish, but two-thirds of the recipe comes prepackaged and by two-thirds I mean there are three ingredients and two of them come in plastic.

Last Saturday I took a knife skills class because I am making a real effort to learn how to cook. The people there reminded me multiple times to use the opposite hand as the instructor since I’m left handed, which was funny after a while because why would I use my non-dominant hand anyway? It never would have occurred to me to try to cut vegetables with my right hand since its sole purpose is to provide visual symmetry. I expect almost nothing from that hand.

The picture above is of all the vegetables we cut up, which were roasted and served to us at the end of the class. I didn’t come out a knife expert by any means, but at least I know where to start when it comes to cutting an onion now. I’m trying to create more opportunities to practice which just means making myself more food. Tonight I made this cauliflower sauce pasta using no recipe because I’m a creative type (read: masochist) and can’t stop hiding vegetables in foods because it makes me laugh, albeit to myself. It all started because Jessica Seinfeld hid spinach in her brownies and I was raised to think anything Seinfeld is hilarious and brilliant.

The pasta doesn’t taste bad but the texture is quite strange and it doesn’t look pretty. I used cauliflower, laughing cow cheese, almond milk, and nutritional yeast for the sauce, which made me think of that 90s movie, Jack, when those kids threw a ton of random, disgusting ingredients into a pot and made Robin Williams taste it as a hazing ritual. I always thought it was super sweet how he saved all those red gummy bears for J. Lo in a ziploc even though the white gummy bears are of course the best color. The yellow ones are the worst because you always mistake them for white until you eat them so they’re like, liars.

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